There Are Good People

The last paragraph of my Sunday entry expressed the frustruation I caused myself from losing over $900 worth of checks I was to deposit that night in an ATM machine. Losing the checks was frustrating enough, but I was certain someone had picked up the envelope of checks, and would attempt to cash them since I was foolish enough to sign them before I reached the bank. I live just outside of one of the world's largest cities, in an area with college drunks, homeless drifters and people who never say, "Hi," when you see them on the street, so I was certain that some dishonest person would try to find a way to benefit from my loss.

This morning I found the original envelope with all three checks enclosed in my mailbox with a note that read:

Dominic From
D&V BARBER SHOP
11th WASHINGTON St.
Found NEAR 7th & Wash.

Stops have already been put on the checks, so they are now worthless, but the fact that they were returned to me (with help from the postal carrier, no doubt) proves that there is still good in the world between strangers.

Now I just have to decide on an appropriate thank you gift for a barber. I can't spend more than $40. Any suggestions? Someone I work with suggested a fruit basket. Another mentioned gift cert for a restaurant. I was thinking something more along the line of giving him one of my roommate's cats.

It's Too Late

Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time
There's something wrong here, there can be no denying
One of us is changing
Or maybe we just stopped trying

And it's too late, baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died
And I can't hide and I just can't fake it

It used to be so easy living here with you
You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool

And it's too late, baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died
And I can't hide and I just can't fake it

There'll be good times again for me and you
But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it, too
Still I'm glad for what we had and how I once loved you

But it's too late, baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died and I can't hide
And I just can't fake it

c.1971 Carole King

Click on the link to read about what only Sunday I was talking to my friend Sha-Sha about, and suddenly it's news exactly as I'd predicted to her. I wish I were wrong about this instead of everything else I flap my gums about.

You Should Be Dancing, Yeah

Again Keith Olbermann delivers a Special Comment worth notice by everyone. If you aren't watching this program weekday nights, you should be. It's sometimes funny, sometimes though-provoking, but always worth the hour.

Lately Mr. Olbermann has been delivering "Special Comment" segments at the end of some programs. Each one that I've seen thus far has been an incredible rallying cry to wake America up. I just hope people are listening. If you aren't, here's a piece of Monday night's action in his comment, "A Textbook Definition of Cowardice," about old-you-know-who and his minions:

To hear him bleat and whine and bully at nearly every opportunity, one would think someone else had been president on September 11^th, 2001 -- or the nearly eight months that preceded it.

That hardly reflects the honesty nor manliness we expect of the executive.

But if his own fitness to serve is of no true concern to him, perhaps we should simply sigh and keep our fingers crossed, until a grown-up takes the job three Januarys from now.

...

Thus was it left for the previous president to say what so many of us have felt; what so many of us have given you a pass for in the months and even the years after the attack:

You did not try.

You ignored the evidence gathered by your predecessor.

You ignored the evidence gathered by your own people.

Then, you blamed your predecessor.

That would be a textbook definition, Mr. Bush, of cowardice.

God! Keith Olberman is my freaking hero! Read or watch the entire comment because it is worth it to see the host build up Bill Clinton and tear down George Bush with one masterful monlogue. And if you aren't watching, you should be. I know Steve & Bird are.

By the by, here are a couple of little present for those of us who once lived in Pennsylvania. First, Philly Suburbs Shift Toward Democrats, and second, there will be no fields of Green for Santorum. Sorry about that, Jack. But I feel pretty good right about now.

The Angels Wanna Where His Read Shoos

Although I was unable to attend, I was pleased to see the photos of Jack Sadler's wedding. The best (immediately after pictures of the beautiful Heather, of course), was the shot of Jack's red shoes.

I've always known Mr. Sadler to have red shoes, which reminds me much of an Elvis Costello song, but I think for him it's more of a Wizard of Oz thing.

There's a nice slide show of several pic worth looking at.

It Doesn't Even Matter That It Matters To Me

I received an e-mail Friday that said in part:

i've also realized i'm not your friend. you would never treat your friends the way you have me. there were so many toxic things i wanted to say, things that you would've said to me without caring about how i may have felt. but i'm not like you. i don't want you to ever talk to me again.

She was right. On Wednesday I called her a "fucking asshole" via text message, which was a very wrong thing for me to do, so she has every right to feel this way. I know I was wrong, but this turn of events has been building for a year now. This was the last girl I called "my girlfriend," whom I'd written about before, including when we broke up last year. She is also the one responsible for my owning (and now my parents taking care of) my cat. She decided she couldn't handle anything being dependent on her, so she had me take Mona and gave her other kitten to her parents.

I've had a horrible time trying to communicate with her for... well, as long as I've known her (we just can't find common ground), but lately it has been getting worse. She is very busy, very in love with her current boyfriend (or so she says), and hasn't called me much lately just to talk the way she used to now that she has and ipod to keep her entertained on her commute home from work. Worst of all, when I do talk with her or we e-mail each other, she has a very condescending attitude toward me, she barely pays attention to a word I say, and usually avoids any conversation that isn't about her.

She said she realizes now that she is not my friend, but I've felt that she disengaged friendship with me some time ago. Although since we broke up last year, she has told me often that we are friends, and that the friendship is important to her, I haven't been invited to her apartment (her boyfriend's really) since she moved in several months ago. We both happen to live in Hoboken these days, and I haven't even been told where her place is. I think this proves that she doesn't trust me.

I've put up with a lot from her. One of the worst things was that she told my friend Jon during a visit we took to NYC a few months before the relationship ended, that she wanted to break up with me. At the time I had no idea she felt this way, and Jon believed she was trying to get him to do the dirty work for her. She put him on the spot, and basically made a fool out of me.

A couple of weeks ago I saw her and her man on the street and said, "Hi" to them, but there seemed to be more shock in her eyes than happiness to see me. I think she's just afraid that I may somehow destroy her current situation. She has never told him that she and I once dated, and warned me not to tell him either. But I can understand how important it is to keep him happy. He has outstanding credit where hers is poor, and she wants to buy a house soon, even though she hasn't said much about marrying him.

I tried to contact her this weekend, several times via phone, text message and e-mail, because I value friendship. I especially value ones that had been so close. I have never stayed friends with an ex-girlfriend, and I hoped this time would be different. I apologized several times via text, voicemail and e-mail, then wrote pleadingly in another e-mail, "I was wrong. I was an asshole. I shouldn't have said what I said and I know that, but I don't want there to be hate between us." and I added, "The fact that you have such animosity toward me is painful to me. I don't want to be hated by you." Then after mentioning some specific ways I have been kind to her over the last year despite what I did Wednesday, I finished with, "Please just have at least one final conversation with me so that we can at least have a peaceful goodbye if it must be goodbye forever. I don't understand why it is so important to you to hate me now."

Her final reply to me from this morning was this:

i don't want to talk to you. you make me sad. leave me alone. i don't like you trying to patch things over. i don't hate you. i just don't care anymore. all those things i did for you to try to help, and it ends with you calling me an asshole. leave me alone. i'll hate you if you try to keep contacting me.

Of course there wasn't that much she tried to do to "help." She got me an interview where she works, but I couldn't get the job because I was friends with her! Then she bought me a $20 metrocard when I first moved up here because cash was tight for me. When I asked her why she did it, she told me she hoped someone would help her out if she ever needed it. She didn't say it was because we were friends.

When I sent her the nasty text on Wednesday, it was directly a response to how she acted when I told her she owed me $47.00 for an old cell phone bill that was her phone, but in my name. It's her current phone and phone number, but the account changed from my name to hers in the Spring, and she never paid the final bill on the old account. I tried to explain how it happened be this way, but she acted as though I were either making it up or had been taken in by a scam. I knew it was real, and had already paid it to keep my credit clean. When explained it to her, but she became defensive. When I said goodbye, she just hung up on me without saying a thing. I thought it was rude. So that's why I sent the text. It was a mistake, but after several months of her attitude, I vented.

Today I deleted her blog link from the left side of this page (it was the Joost-Elffers xanga site). I deleted her three numbers out of my wireless phone. I blocked her three e-mail accounts from mine so there wouldn't be any reason for me to think that she might still write to me. I am getting out of her life just like she wanted. My friend Jon told me often that she was only ever using me and I'm better just to forget about her. I'm finally taking his advice. So why do I feel like I've been punched in the gut?

And I guess I would all be alright, but this evening I left my apartment with three SIGNED checks totalling over $900 to a bank to deposit in a cash machine, the easiest way to get money to my bank back in Harrisburg. By the time I got to the bank, over 12 blocks away from my apartment, I realized that the envelope with my checks and deposit slip were not on me. I looked back at my apartment and all over the sidewalk I took to the bank, but could not find them anywhere. It's pretty clear that I dropped them and someone else picked them up.

I'll probably lose my mind next.

Squirtgun Wedding

This weekend my friend, Tom, will be getting hitched to his lovely bride, Heather. Although I'm unable to attend, I'm hoping to hear it will be a squirtgun wedding.


I don't think she's preggers, so I'm not really sure why they're getting married, but then I probably just don't understand love.


Anyroad, I wish them luck, good weather, many gifts, and about a dozen kids.

Congratulations Jack Sadler!!

Is It A Catch 22, Mr. Bush?

Today at the UN (over thar on the East Side o'Manhattan), Dubya knocked 'em dead again with his wit (quote taken directly from the White House website):

Freedom, by its nature, cannot be imposed -- it must be chosen. From Beirut to Baghdad, people are making the choice for freedom. And the nations gathered in this chamber must make a choice, as well: Will we support the moderates and reformers who are working for change across the Middle East -- or will we yield the future to the terrorists and extremists? America has made its choice: We will stand with the moderates and reformers.

Okay, so Bush says now freedom cannot be imposed, yet he decided to use force to create freedom and democracy in Iraq. Am I the only one who sees something odd in this statement? Did Bush actually make a mistake? And what of the democratically chosen Hamas leadership in Palestine? Does he agree with the choice of the people there?

Does Bush really consider himself a moderate supporting moderates? Does he really think of himself as a reformer supporting reformers?

First of all, Bush doesn't support anyone. He is the Decider! He knows he is right (with all decisions), and has no doubt about that. After all, he has actually stated, "Let me just first tell you that I’ve never been more convinced that the decisions I made are the right decisions." (found under MSNBC Altercation 09/15/06 "quote of the day") .

Okay. He's freakin' craaaaaaaaazy!

I just wonder... And this is just me wondering here... Once it is revealed that torture has occurred in U.S. military and extra-super-secret CIA prisons, will Bush be held accountable? I've never tossed this idea around because it was always too political a thing, but would impeachment be out of the question? For too long the Bush Administration, like a teenaged rebel, has pushed the envelope, waiting to be told its limitations. Congress never acted, and Dubya and company have gone too far with their handling the Middle East. Now that Powell has spoken up (and this action REALLY means something), I think it's clear that a line between what is right and wrong has not only been crossed, it has been left in the dust.

Bush must realize that it is not he, but the Pope who is infallible... uh, right? Wait something about that doesn't seem right lately either. Does that also have to do with the Middle East? Something is certainly wrong here.

Death

Former Texas governor Ann Richards dies at 73.

She was really outspoken, and great to listen to. Which is more than can be said about another Texas Governor, Prince George, who can barely form a sentence.

There are elder statesmen and women whose words are worth your ears, such as Rep. Murtha.

Please listen.

There But For The Death Of God Go I

I saw the lights reaching up to the sky from directly across the Hudson in Jersey City this evening. All through the morning, every television station showed from the WTC footprint the reading of names of the those now five years gone. Several channels had film footage of the attacks from 2001, and the Disney-owned network, ABC, had part two of putting the blame on Bill Clinton. This day depressed me all over again.

I'm glad, in a way, that there are many who find comfort in a belief that a loving, caring God has taken the souls of the departed, and that He continues to watch over us. There, but for the death of God, Go I. Personally, the reading of the names left me deeply saddened and frustrated. I find comfort only in the knowledge that my loved ones are all alive and accounted for. Of course, I still have a cousin in Iraq, and a Washington Post article (found on MSNBC) says the battle is lost in the western al Anbar province. My hope is that he, as well as the rest of our troops, come home soon.

Tonight on Countdown with Keith Olbermann, the host had a very powerful show. His anger was clear; he made none of his usual jokes. His entire final thought should be read or watched (click on link below), but I have taken two segments because I think his message is important.

...And I knew too, that this was the pyre for hundreds of New York policemen and firemen, of whom my family can claim half a dozen or more, as our ancestors.

I belabor this to emphasize that, for me this was, and is, and always shall be, personal.

And anyone who claims that I and others like me are "soft,"or have "forgotten" the lessons of what happened here is at best a grasping, opportunistic, dilettante and at worst, an idiot whether he is a commentator, or a Vice President, or a President.

However, of all the things those of us who were here five years ago could have forecast -- of all the nightmares that unfolded before our eyes, and the others that unfolded only in our minds -- none of us could have predicted this...

...

...When those who dissent are told time and time again -- as we will be, if not tonight by the President, then tomorrow by his portable public chorus -- that he is preserving our freedom, but that if we use any of it, we are somehow un-American...When we are scolded, that if we merely question, we have "forgotten the lessons of 9/11"... look into this empty space behind me and the bi-partisanship upon which this administration also did not build, and tell me:

Who has left this hole in the ground?

We have not forgotten, Mr. President.

You have.

I know there are many who think this criticism is not fair, but I remember speaking to a few conservative Republican friends of mine just before the first battle in Iraq. I told them that it was a mistake and would not be over as quickly or as easily as the Administration had predicted. At the time I said I believed that there would be a long, drawn out bloody war, and that the people would not give up their country very easily to invading Westerners. When it initially seemed like it would be over quickly, I was hopeful that I would need to eat my words. These several years later, I hate so much that I was right.

I never argue with my conservative friends about the war any longer. I did for a while, but there's no point any longer. I just hope that some of them will vote for change in November. We need a Congress who will stand up to the Bush regime.

In Case You Missed It

I read an article in the Economist called, "Rahmbo's Plan," which outlined The Plan: Big Ideas for America that should help the Democrats in the same way that the Contract with America helped the Republicans in '94. We'll see what happens. I don't think the media has been jumping on this, and I don't think many of the Democrats have been talking it up either. Feel free to click the links and read about it (you may prefer the Economist article to the plan itself).

Because We All Know Pretty Is Good

Yesterday when I left Exchange Place (Jersey City), I took the wrong PATH train and had to take two connections just to correct. Although I recently learned a valuable lesson about taking the right the NYC crosstown bus, I never have problems with finding my way around with the Subway. Everything Jersey touches is crap (except Springsteen).

While I waited at the Pavonia/Newport Station platform, I saw a pretty girl who reminded me a lot of someone who really affected my life. The girl on the opposing platform was absolutely beautiful. I wouldn't doubt I wasn't the only guy staring, but at least I kept it undercover by hiding behind a pole, carefully peaking around and darting back at any sign of being noticed. I was really cool, man.

This girl looked like a blonde version of Amanda (pictured above on the day she moved out), someone who cost me a couple thousand dollars, a broken heart, and caused me to delay my plans to move to NYC by five years. To be fair, I cost myself these things by ignoring warning signs: her bullimia, her cutting, a trail of guy friends who treated me with distain, a worse-than-George-Harrison belief in every religion at the same time, an interest in becoming EXTREMELY close to me before she even knew me. And my friend Kevin said to me very early on, "Don't get too crazy about her." Yeah, he must have known something was up. Ever hear the saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"? I still have to learn whom to shame when it's "Fool me every day for 8 months, then again 11 months later." I'd have to work out the math, but I think it might be back to shame on me.

Ah! But I didn't listen to friends or logic. After being her personal lackey for the Summer of 2001, I took complete responsibility for her for about five months, which is all she really wanted. I learned her M.O. much later - get a guy interested in her so he can save her for a few months and move on to the next guy at the first sign of his awakening. She was a pro at it, but she was beautiful, which is all that really matters. And don't get me wrong, I truly believe that beautiful people deserve to be treated better than everyone else.

I don't know how many times I've bent the rules and bent over backward for a pretty woman. Somehow it makes me feel better about myself if I think I've made a beautiful person's life easier, because you know that no matter how much they deserve, they never really get what's coming to them. And that makes me sad.

What makes me even more sad is that I didn't alienate enough of my friends during the Amanda era. I only distanced myself from one person, Michelle, a girl who truly cared about me. I know now that I didn't give enough of soul to Amanda because I still had several friends after she left. She was really beautiful enough to break all ties with friends and family, and I failed her.

On the other hand, in many ways I did show the signs of a man falling apart, which is a true tribute to her. I remember this extension telephone I had that I could just barely make out some words of her private phone conversations without having to pick up the reciever. It was a piece of garbage phone, but I learned a lot about other guys she was seeing behind my back by spying on her with it. Good old broken phone. Listened through that thing for hours on end.

I think my proudest moment happened when I was in her bedroom looking for... uh, something, and I "accidentally" read her private journal which detailed so much about her feelings and the people in her life including a new guy she was dating, and how she saw our one night of passion as traumatic. God! She was fantastic. And she certainly helped to make me a better man. I sometimes wonder what she's doing today.

Now I know that beautiful people aren't all as screwed up as Amanda, but that doesn't matter. Whatever they want they should get. I know now that the purpose of plain and ugly people like me is to make life better for the Hotties. This goes across gender lines, but it is better that ugly men become servants to hot women and ugly women do the same for attractive men. It's what they want really. What ugly man hasn't given an expensive present to some great-looking woman he barely knows. What ugly woman hasn't allowed a hot man to use her for whatever he pleased. This is what we, the uggoes do, and it is right for us to do it.

I haven't dated anyone as beautiful as Amanda since 2001 because I'm still paying off the financial debt from her. I think it's important to be debt free before meeting a gorgeous basket case, because it's going to cost a lot of money to make sure they know you're the one who's going to save them. In a few months, I'll have that Amanda debt paid off, though, and I'll be ready to get pathetic all over again. Hear that ladies? I'm going to need a project to make me feel like a hero again!

STIRRRRRRR CRAZZZZZZZZY

For the past couple of weeks I've been on the job hunt. Shhhhhhh! Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting cawees. While I'm not interviewing, I spend most of my time in the apartment, either searching for jobs online, or trying to keep myself sane by watching and reading news stories. Unfortunately, I haven't seen very much sunshine lately because I'm trying to avoid spending money or getting too distracted. The rain today also helped keep me in.

In the meantime, I'm going a little nuts. I've had words with my roommates cats, and I'm beginning to believe they're plotting against me. Although I'm getting a pretty good grip on the news of late, I'm losing my grip on the world at large. I'm becoming agoraphobic. Yes, that's right, I'm afraid of sweaters.

This fear piles upon a list of others that I have been collecting since childhood:

Ablutophobia- Fear of washing or bathing.
Acarophobia- Fear of itching or of the insects that cause itching.
Achluophobia- Fear of darkness.
Acrophobia- Fear of heights.
Aeroacrophobia- Fear of open high places.
Agateophobia- Fear of insanity.
Agliophobia- Fear of pain.
Agrizoophobia- Fear of wild animals.
Aichmophobia- Fear of needles or pointed objects.
Ailurophobia- Fear of cats.
Alektorophobia- Fear of chickens.
Algophobia- Fear of pain (same as Agliophobia?).
Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions.
Altophobia- Fear of heights (same as Acrophobia?).
Amaxophobia- Fear of riding in a car.
Amnesiphobia- Fear of amnesia.
Anglophobia- Fear of England or English culture, etc. THAT'S RIGHT SUMMER!
Anthrophobia or Anthophobia- Fear of flowers.
Anuptaphobia- Fear of staying single.
Apeirophobia- Fear of infinity.
Apotemnophobia- Fear of persons with amputations.
Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Arachnephobia or Arachnophobia- Fear of spiders.
Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting.
Atomosophobia- Fear of atomic explosions.
Atychiphobia- Fear of failure.
Autodysomophobia- Fear of one that has a vile odor.
Automatonophobia- Fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues - anything that falsly represents a sentient being.
Automysophobia- Fear of being dirty.
Autophobia- Fear of being alone or of oneself.
Aviophobia or Aviatophobia- Fear of flying.

These are my "A" phobias. For a full list of available phobias do your own search.