It Doesn't Even Matter That It Matters To Me

I received an e-mail Friday that said in part:

i've also realized i'm not your friend. you would never treat your friends the way you have me. there were so many toxic things i wanted to say, things that you would've said to me without caring about how i may have felt. but i'm not like you. i don't want you to ever talk to me again.

She was right. On Wednesday I called her a "fucking asshole" via text message, which was a very wrong thing for me to do, so she has every right to feel this way. I know I was wrong, but this turn of events has been building for a year now. This was the last girl I called "my girlfriend," whom I'd written about before, including when we broke up last year. She is also the one responsible for my owning (and now my parents taking care of) my cat. She decided she couldn't handle anything being dependent on her, so she had me take Mona and gave her other kitten to her parents.

I've had a horrible time trying to communicate with her for... well, as long as I've known her (we just can't find common ground), but lately it has been getting worse. She is very busy, very in love with her current boyfriend (or so she says), and hasn't called me much lately just to talk the way she used to now that she has and ipod to keep her entertained on her commute home from work. Worst of all, when I do talk with her or we e-mail each other, she has a very condescending attitude toward me, she barely pays attention to a word I say, and usually avoids any conversation that isn't about her.

She said she realizes now that she is not my friend, but I've felt that she disengaged friendship with me some time ago. Although since we broke up last year, she has told me often that we are friends, and that the friendship is important to her, I haven't been invited to her apartment (her boyfriend's really) since she moved in several months ago. We both happen to live in Hoboken these days, and I haven't even been told where her place is. I think this proves that she doesn't trust me.

I've put up with a lot from her. One of the worst things was that she told my friend Jon during a visit we took to NYC a few months before the relationship ended, that she wanted to break up with me. At the time I had no idea she felt this way, and Jon believed she was trying to get him to do the dirty work for her. She put him on the spot, and basically made a fool out of me.

A couple of weeks ago I saw her and her man on the street and said, "Hi" to them, but there seemed to be more shock in her eyes than happiness to see me. I think she's just afraid that I may somehow destroy her current situation. She has never told him that she and I once dated, and warned me not to tell him either. But I can understand how important it is to keep him happy. He has outstanding credit where hers is poor, and she wants to buy a house soon, even though she hasn't said much about marrying him.

I tried to contact her this weekend, several times via phone, text message and e-mail, because I value friendship. I especially value ones that had been so close. I have never stayed friends with an ex-girlfriend, and I hoped this time would be different. I apologized several times via text, voicemail and e-mail, then wrote pleadingly in another e-mail, "I was wrong. I was an asshole. I shouldn't have said what I said and I know that, but I don't want there to be hate between us." and I added, "The fact that you have such animosity toward me is painful to me. I don't want to be hated by you." Then after mentioning some specific ways I have been kind to her over the last year despite what I did Wednesday, I finished with, "Please just have at least one final conversation with me so that we can at least have a peaceful goodbye if it must be goodbye forever. I don't understand why it is so important to you to hate me now."

Her final reply to me from this morning was this:

i don't want to talk to you. you make me sad. leave me alone. i don't like you trying to patch things over. i don't hate you. i just don't care anymore. all those things i did for you to try to help, and it ends with you calling me an asshole. leave me alone. i'll hate you if you try to keep contacting me.

Of course there wasn't that much she tried to do to "help." She got me an interview where she works, but I couldn't get the job because I was friends with her! Then she bought me a $20 metrocard when I first moved up here because cash was tight for me. When I asked her why she did it, she told me she hoped someone would help her out if she ever needed it. She didn't say it was because we were friends.

When I sent her the nasty text on Wednesday, it was directly a response to how she acted when I told her she owed me $47.00 for an old cell phone bill that was her phone, but in my name. It's her current phone and phone number, but the account changed from my name to hers in the Spring, and she never paid the final bill on the old account. I tried to explain how it happened be this way, but she acted as though I were either making it up or had been taken in by a scam. I knew it was real, and had already paid it to keep my credit clean. When explained it to her, but she became defensive. When I said goodbye, she just hung up on me without saying a thing. I thought it was rude. So that's why I sent the text. It was a mistake, but after several months of her attitude, I vented.

Today I deleted her blog link from the left side of this page (it was the Joost-Elffers xanga site). I deleted her three numbers out of my wireless phone. I blocked her three e-mail accounts from mine so there wouldn't be any reason for me to think that she might still write to me. I am getting out of her life just like she wanted. My friend Jon told me often that she was only ever using me and I'm better just to forget about her. I'm finally taking his advice. So why do I feel like I've been punched in the gut?

And I guess I would all be alright, but this evening I left my apartment with three SIGNED checks totalling over $900 to a bank to deposit in a cash machine, the easiest way to get money to my bank back in Harrisburg. By the time I got to the bank, over 12 blocks away from my apartment, I realized that the envelope with my checks and deposit slip were not on me. I looked back at my apartment and all over the sidewalk I took to the bank, but could not find them anywhere. It's pretty clear that I dropped them and someone else picked them up.

I'll probably lose my mind next.