Worth a Thousand Word Essay

In my post of 5 days ago, "Save It For A Not So Rainy Day," Steve commented about the Beatles picture at the top of SEE WHAT HAPPENS (although I'm not a football fan, as he clearly is, I saw Steve's link for a Paul Westerberg site and though, "this guy's all right"). So with the comment about the Beatles picture, I wanted to explain why I chose it.

I remember the photo from the inside gatefolds of both The Beatles 1962-1966 (Red) and The Beatles 1967-1970 (Blue) albums. I was always drawn to the picture because of how strange it is. It was taken during a 1968 photo session called A Mad Day Out. At the location of St Pancras Old Church & Gardens, there was a quick decision to take advantage of the gathering crowd for a few shots.

When I was young, I noticed how strange it was that the young boy stood in the foreground, while the Beatles were only other faces in the crowd. With the gates in front of the group, the boy was the one separated from the public, somehow detatched for an unexplained reason. John, Paul, George and Ringo were merely a part of the crowd behind the fence. Although their faces were the most visible because we recognise them, they were still just part of that group. As a panoramic picture, it fits nicely above the postings of my blog, but with my recent mood, it's something that I have begun to identify with strongly.

Since my post of Aug 19th, Julie and I have been trying to find some middleground that we can both be comfortable with because neither of us wanted to say goodbye forever. It did not work out. I won't explain because it is a too personal a thing even to make public what I already have, but as of today (her birthday, unfortunately) it is over.

I wanted to add a photo to my blog that I liked, but I needed one that really expressed how I have been feeling as well. As with all of art, I bring my own experience to my interpretation. I identify with the child. He is apart from the crowd by a clear barrier. Others who are his of his age, and likely experience are behind him. Old faces, kind faces, detached faces, and of course the Beatles are also behind him. This group, while very near to him, can do nothing to change the fact that he remains seperate from them. His isolation is not shown as his own chosing or something that he has no power to change. He is simply apart from them.

I feel so apart from the world right now. I always have felt this way in some capacity, but right now I see that picture and I see myself in the face of that young boy. I love Julie and I miss her. Almost everyone can identify with the pain of losing someone they love. There are certainly millions of people in the world right now who are in pain, missing someone. There are obviously people in the world who are in situations so much horribly worse than mine, that it seems insignificant for me to even mention what I am going through, but right now no person is feeling exactly what I am feeling. Right now no person is missing Julie the way that I miss her. Right now I am at a distance from everyone else I know and the more I learn about horrible situation in New Orleans the more distant I feel. My belief in hope as something real is at an all time low. You can see that in several of my recent posts.

A little over a decade ago, I was heartbroken about another girl I had dated. Her name was Kim. She was horrible, but I loved her. Because of her and her family, I began going to church again and started to develop a belief in God that had slipped away from me during my college years. When she abruptly ended our relationship, I was distraught. I went to the the pastor of my church, Father Joe, to try to find some consolation in the faith that was still a little shakey. He knew Kim and her family and I felt doubt that I should be speaking with him about such a personal thing. I quoted him a line from The Sun Also Rises, "If you talk about it, you lose it." I was afraid that if there was any hope in getting Kim to reconsider, talking about it would screw that up. But Father Joe said, "No. I like that quote, but you have to look at it a different way. " He restated it as though what I would lose would not be the love or connection with her, but the pain I was feeling. If I would talk about, get it out, the pain would leave me sooner as well.

My conversation with Father Joe did not help me very much. I wanted to understand why it was that love, which was supposed to be such a pure emotion and a proof of God, was something that could so easily be torn from me and leave me in such pain. I wanted to know why in relationship after relationship, I was left with this feeling of emptiness; that if love was the real, magical thing that it was supposed to be, why had it always ended so horribly for me. Several years later I heard that Father Joe had committed suicide, and I realized that even a man of God could not explain for me something that was a greater mystery than the existance of God.

Photographs have a great power to deceive. There is noting about the Beatles' Mad Day Out shot that has anything to do with me. It was a photo oportunity and it happened before I was born. Despite this I feel a connection to it and so it is atop my blog.

There is also a picture in front of me to the left of my monitor of Julie holding her kitten. She is smiling and it reminds me of a time that she still felt the love for me that became an important part of my life. That day might as well have been a photo oportunity before I was born as well for as much good as it does me now. I have to put that picture away somewhere to help me forget about the connection I had with her, to forget about past so I can get through the immediate future. I don't want to throw it away or burn it, but as with everything in my apartment that reminds me of her, it must disappear.

I'm glad that someone else has found enjoyment in the picture I chose for "See What Happens?", but don't be fooled by the coolness of it. I'm expressing something much darker than you may have expected. I'll do my best, however, to avoid alienating readers by keeping this mood in many more of my posts. I have a backlog of a few drafts that should be available soon. Hang in with me, and there will be something much more interesting to read before long.