How About "No One Is To Blame" By Howard Jones?

If I were to create a K-Tel collection of the best "she broke yer bloody heart" songs, I'd have to include the following (track order not yet determined):

1) "Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime" - Beck (I like the original Korgis version, but it's a little too "clean")

2) "So Like Candy" - Elvis Costello (This is the one where EC delivers the "everything around me, she has touched" vibe)

3) "You've Got To Hide Your Love Away" - The Beatles (Learning how to play this song on the guitar got me through a lot of bad situations)

4) "I Wish I Never Saw The Sunshine" - The Ronettes (If you really want to make someone cry, play this one for them)

5) "You Don't Know Me" - Ray Charles (You Are My Sunshine is great, too, but this one will really make you feel Brother Ray's pain)

6) "It's Over" - Roy Orbison (Almost anything by Roy would fit, but this one has special meaning to me. It got me through an evening I though would kill back in my salad days in the Fall of 1989)

7) "Ever Fallen In Love? (With Someone You Shouldn' Have Fallen In Love With)" - The Buzzcocks (Something to throw a little drums and guitar in the mix without spoiling the mood)

8) "I Gotta Right To Sing The Blues" - Louis Armstrong (I don't understand how it works, but this song will actually pull you up because it is so fucking good. "When Your Love Is Gone" by Satchmo would be a worthwhile substitute.)

9) "Dancing Queen" - ABBA (This is the most horribly sad song to me. I mean she leaves them burning and then she's gone! That's horrible!)

10) "I'm A Fool To Want You" - Frank Sinatra (This is the song. Right here. End of story. If you don't know it, listen and you'll understand. It's one of the ones Jon and I used to listen to on the balcony when I didn't know he was hurting too)

11) "Wise Up" - Amie Mann (Puts it right in perspective, maybe a little too well)

12) "Withered And Died" - Richard and Linda Thompson (If you can connect with this one, you really ought to be medicated)

13) "Here Comes A Regular" - The Replacements (This is a song about living your life without direction and knowing that you're stuck drinking it away. Paul Westerberg is one of the most valuable missed jewels of popular music)

These aren't the only great ones, but believe me, they paint a perfect picture when you need it.

Now because of its mood of desperation, I would also like to add "Mother" by John Lennon. It all starts with the parents, right? At least that's where the blame went when you hit the talk show circuit in the late 80's. No, I don't blame my parents for any misery I ever dealt with. On the contrary, I think my parents have always been wonderful. And lately I'm beginning to understand that they are a little TOO wonderful. My dad actually rescued me when I was at my lowest point at a bar called "Mookies" (You don't ever want to be in sorry emotional shape at a bar called "Mookies").

Sometime ago, when I was really down about a failed relationship, my mother said something that made me wonder just how much a parent can blame themselves for a child's hard times. She said that she used to encourage me to love by telling me to hug the stuffed bunny that I can't remember at all now. She had doubt that she should have done that.

A couple of weeks ago when we went to visit my grandmother who had been in the hospital (no word yet on her present condition, by the way), my father said something I never expected. In front of my wise-cracking aunts and uncles he said he felt really terrible about some incident from when I was a kid. Now this is going back 25 years ago...

I had left some of his tools in the yard and he lost his temper, telling me I couldn't come back into the house until I found them (in the dark with a flashlight). Of course, it was only 15 minutes before I was allowed back in, but I learned a lesson in respect for the property of others. He has carried the guilt of this for a long time, and I was thrown off by iyt. I couldn't believe he even remembered the incident, let alone felt bad about it. I told him in front of our relatives that I remembered it and there was no doubt that I deserved worse. I needed boundaries and he provided them. There was no physical violence, no emotional scarring, but it STILL affected him.

I don't want my parents to start having doubts about their parenting skills from so long ago. They were fantastic with what they had at their disposal. I have always been a bit of a screw up, no worries there (there's another Paul Westerberg song called "Mamadaddydid" that covers this well). Life is what it is and I don't think a "successful life" has to be measured in children, income or property. I know that parents (the good ones anyway) want their children to have better than they did, and I DO have it better. I have parents who connected with me (whether they realize it or not) before it was too late. I just hope my father has been able to connect with my grandmother in the same way now that things are looking pretty grim for her future in this life.

Blood is thicker than water, as I've heard. Relationships with lovers and friends will never compare to good connection with the ones who actually had to sacrifice for you, as long as those connections are clear. That's understood, isn't it? Maybe I should double check that. It's really easy to take that kind of thing for granted.