One of these days I gotta get myself organizized

The last week for me has been less than a creative time. I was hit with a written warning at work because there are problems in my department. I was not the cause of these problems, and most of them preceded my move into the position. Others could have been resolved had I been trained on at least the basics of the department. Granted, I could have been a little more proactive and said, "I'm never going to figure this out on my own, I need help," at which time I would have reached out to my counterpart in another store.

But that's not what I came here tonight to talk to you about. I've been listening to Beatles music almost non-stop for the past 7 days, so I feel pretty zen. I've decided to work harder to get my department in good shape so when I walk out it is on MY terms, not theirs. I could possibly remain the scapegoat and get fired, but it's not really such a big deal to me any longer.

What I came here to talk about is that night when I first found out I was getting the written warning, how my mind raced from senario to scenario of how I could get even with my boss. What could I do to his car? What could I do to the files at work? What little bit of sabotage would really satisfy my anger? Thankfully the 5oth time I listened to "Across the Universe" my heart changed and I thought of more personally constructive ways to turn my energy, primarily the job search.

Immediately following my mellowing, I wondered if I were really capable of doing the things I mulled over, and I knew the answer was "yes." Vigilantism is no stranger to the darker parts of my mind, or my past. Sometimes somebody has to pay, and I'm the guy to collect, or so I convinced myself at the time. Yeah, I'm lucky I didn't get my brains splattered on the pavement for one or two of the things I've done to "trespassers of common courtesy." Most people just don't react well to mustard being squirted all over their cars. Does the answer "yes, I am capable" mean I could be labeled as a person who does these things?

Having grown up in the Catholic Church (actually in the church - I slept in a pew), I was taught that thinking about a sin was as bad as committing that sin. Does the fact that I think I could do some destructive things mean it would ever happen? I don't know. I have never cheated on a girlfriend, but I have had opportunities to do so. I have always talked myself out of it, even when I was drunk, and even when the girl I was dating had already cheated on me previously. It doesn't mean I am incapable of cheating. I am not a Code Hero; I just can't get that two-dimentional. I have always been able to talk myself out of doing most things I think would hurt someone else if they knew about it.

Usually the consequences for my actions if I were to act on an impulse would be relatively small and personal, but what about if I were pushed to want to commit murder? If I were in a position where I wanted to kill someone, could I do it? I wish the answer were a clear "no," but never having been in that situation, I'd be afraid of what I were really capable of doing. I've heard of crimes of passion. I really think that if pushed too far, even Ghandi or Mother Teresa could have let their .44 magnums do the talking.

I'd like to think the key to this mystery is to watch Taxi Driver. If Robert De Niro's character sounds a lot like a down to earth, tell-it-like-it-is guy, it's time to seek professional help.