To Love & Obey
Today is my niece Emily's birthday. She's five today. I'm sure she'll be showing everyone her age on her hand all day. She was born in a post 9/11 world, a small brightness during days of fear and confusion. She's more than a little spoiled, but I'm sure that by the time she's an adult she will be understand there is a universe outside of herself. But there's one thing I hope she decides to remain a little self-centered about.
My sister married a couple of years before my niece was born, when "millennium" was part of everyone's daily speak. It wasn't so long ago, but it already seems a lifetime away. And it is Emily's lifetime away. When my sister married, she took her husband's last name, and since then I still have a hard time remembering to call her "Ford" instead of "Mason." I guess I will just always think of her as the same person she was when she grew up. I think that's the way it should be. Her new last name seems almost like a stage name to me, and I just never understood it.
For a while in the great decade of the seventies, during "women's lib" and the push for the Equal Rights Amendment, some women began keeping their last names when marrying, and some hyphenated. For some reason it never really caught on much. For all of my life I could never imagine taking the name of someone else, essentially losing my identity, when the one I'd marry loses nothing but his freedom. Glad I'm a man. But so many women seem to see the name change as just part of it all. I even remember one girl I dated telling me that she expects to take her husband's last name because it's part of the dream, or whatever.
As I get older I have my doubts that I will ever get married. It isn't that I have any problems with marriage or that I think I'll never meet someone. Mostly I just feel very set in my ways and wonder if I would be interested in compromising as much as I would need for wedded bliss to work. I guess if I met a woman I liked enough it could happen. Of course anytime I talk to someone who is married they think I'm saying, "poor pitiful me without a wife." Yeah right.
I know this,- if I were ever to meet someone I would like to marry, she'd be the kind of person who would keep her last name. If she wanted to take mine, she would not be the one God's big crazy plan intended for me to marry. And I hope that when my niece is older, that she has many of my sisters wonderful qualities, but if she marries, I'll be happy if she keeps her name.
Labels: Love and Death
posted by Tim @ 3/20/2007 09:01:00 AM
3 Comments:
You do know you're not a whole person until you get married, right? Heh.
As for the last name thing...I had a feminist art history professor in college who made a good point. We live in a patriarchal society and women have their fathers' names anyway, so when we keep our "own" surnames, it's just a male-associated one. I suppose it still represents who you have been since birth, but we are misleading ourselves if we think by not taking the husband's name that we are scoring one for feminism. That said, my professor kept her maiden name. I didn't, but mainly because my maiden name is long, clumsy and German. Getting rid of long, clumsy and German trumps feminism every time.
Phew. I feel better now.
Okay Summer, you're off the hook. I can understand wanting to get rid of a name you have to spell out to everyone five times.
The other thing I often thought of was that the happy couple could create a new name. If I could, I'd change my last name to Snickerdoodle. This is why I'll probably have a hard time finding someone to marry me.
The good news about America is we can, to a degree keep our family cultures somewhat free of being matriarchal or patriarchal. Our household leans towards egalitarianism. I think most of my students feel the same way about their own homes, even if it is a misperception.
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