Gay is the New Married

Several years ago a friend of mine was convinced that if he pretended he was married, women would be all over him. I think a married friend of his told him this was true, so he borrowed a wedding band for the times he would hit the town. There was a similar Seinfeld episode about this method of encouraging the interest of women where George found out that pretending to be married actually ruined his chances.

Recently another friend told me pretending to be gay is the best way to pick up women. I’ve actually had women think I was gay and they were more interested in talking to me than the women who have known I’m straight. Once at a bar I met a woman who thought I played for the other team while her husband sat and watched a football game. I kept saying to her, “I’m not gay! I’m not gay!” but I think the woman was interested in cheating on her husband, because she kept insisting I was gay and continued grinding against my leg to the rhythm of the music.

Pretending to be married is a brilliant mistake. Sure, your heart’s in the right place. You think a woman is interested in helping you commit adultery so she’ll sleep with any yob with a ring, but there is a fatal flaw: it isn’t the married guy she’s attracted to, it’s the ring. She wants the precious. It isn’t even the idea of marriage that is attractive to her, just the wedding day. This is the day when she can be the center of the universe. Any woman, whom you think is going to sleep with you because she thinks your married, is not really interested in you.

Most women see a married man as unavailable, and if there was a connection, it is null & void by the ring. If she flirts with you because she thinks you have a wifey-poo at home, she is probably pulling your leg and will just have you buy her drinks all night because it makes her feel powerful. If you actually stand a chance getting to know a woman who thinks you’re married, she’ll think you’re a creep when she finds out you’re a liar. Pretending to be gay, however can be put across like it was a joke, rather than a pathetic attempt at picking up women. Wearing the ring smacks of desperation. Pretending to be gay can be a funny joke when you finally tell her you’re straight.

Now the gay act does not work if you try the stereotypical lisp and limp wrist. To play gay, one must be subtle about it. The woman must discover it for herself. This also is beneficial when it’s time to drop the act. In order to put on an authentic “look at me, I’m gay!” routine, I recommend becoming friends with a few gay men. The book and trendy furniture retail industry is the best place to find your new homosexual friend. Taking a part-time job in one of these businesses would be a good start. Become friends with someone who is gay, and then learn something about having taste and dressing well.

For those who are worried about being “turned,” I’m sure you need not worry. The only time someone gay tried to convince me to sleep with him was when I pretended to be gay for a laugh. I went to a bar called the Brownstone with a former coworker, who convinced me to play along. One of the patrons started hitting on me. He was relentless. I finally learned what women go through when aggressive guys won’t let up with the “sweet talk.” I tell you, it can make you feel like an object. Amazingly, however, I walked out straight as ever.

Let me assure you the Gay community does not have a recruiting program that you’ll get sucked into the way you got talked into joining the army or getting the gym membership or into buying that more expensive television – it’s not an exclusive club like marriage.

Funny, now that I think about it (and I know you didn’t see this coming) the same friend who used to pretend he was married is now getting married. Recently he told me he is against gay marriage. He feels it takes away something of his heterosexuality if gays can wed. It’s strange how so many married couples ask me when I’m in a relationship when we’re going to get married. They talk about marriage as if it’s the best thing a person can possibly do, like it’s the natural progression of life, even though few in the animal kingdom have such contracts. I really do feel at times like I’m pressured by pushy marriage salesmen.

The thing that turns me off the most about marriage is that it is an exclusive club, but you don’t even have to be in love to marry!! The whole thing smacks of irony I think! Gays who are in love are not allowed to wed, but any couple who barely knows one another can run to Vegas, get drunk and need to get divorced the next day. The high divorce rate should prove that most people have no business getting married at all. And what of annulments? Thank you Catholic Church for admitting that even God believes that love can be a mistake.

My friend, who so many years ago wanted to try wearing a ring to pick up women, is still a friend. I don’t understand him because he’s a conservative Republican these days, and I am still a liberal Democrat (Green , actually). There’s a hell of a communication gap there. He believes I will one day be conservative because it, like marriage, is the natural way of things. I ask him not to hold his breath. When I see so many conservatives trying to stop gay marriage and force their religious crapola on me, I couldn’t imagine being like them. I will always think of Dubya as the most horrible president in my lifetime (and I was born in the days of Nixon).

Oh, and if you are really interested in a method of meeting women, try getting to know intelligent, outgoing people. Staying at home with your wife all day complaining about how you think homosexuals are trying to take something away from you isn’t going to do it.