A Child's Garden of Bear Traps
JB has an interesting post about children's books (specifically the work of Roald Dahl), which blends nicely with some the thoughts I've had about the past few days I spent being in the constant presence of my niece.
I have a hard time with the practice many parents have of protecting their children from (several of) the harsh realities of the world. There are constant positive and negative influences in a child's environment which affect them in such random ways that there can be no real prediction into how individual kids will develop without complete maps of their brains. A sheltered life tends to leave a child ill-prepared for more difficult issues which they could encounter at anytime.
Due to problems of her husband's schedule, and an unavailablity of her mother'n'father-in-law, my sister brought my three-year-old niece along on the 3+ hr drive, as well as the viewing and funeral for my grandmother. Although initially, I though it would be important for her to understand what death (and the end of things in general) is about, I soon realized that her presence served as more of a burden for my sister than a benefit for my niece's development. She is just to young to make any sense of death or understand how it affects her world.
Between my seventh and ninth birthdays, there were several deaths in my family; Both of my grandfathers, my aunt and a great-aunt passed away within a period of a year and a half. Although each loss affected me with sadness, it helped me to understand the finality of death, which allowed me to appreciate life at a very young age. I was at the right age to begin to work through these issues, although having been taught that these people were all with God left me in the unfortunate position of coming to terms with it all over again for the past few years of my re-awakening.
My niece is a cute little girl, but suffers from a touch of the only child spoiled-ness (her father just can't say no to that cute little face). My sister and bother-in-law try to do what is right for her, and excel in several areas, but the munchkin has a hard time understanding limits. Her toy room is the largest room in the house, full of items she will never have time to play with. Her father, who loves her very much, has a hard time seeing her upset, so he spends a lot of time entertaining her. She cannot understand a world where she is not the center of attention. Again, she is an only child, plus there are no children in her neigborhood for her to play with, so the default is mom & dad. Now that there is a new moffet on the way, however, I think there will be no other course but for the three-year-old to learn a few lessons. I have very good feelings about in the coming development of my sister's family. Let's hope the dog can handle it, though!
It's a natural desire for parents to want to shelter their children from the cruel world. Several years ago I knew a guy who started crying when I mentioned to him recent school shooting. As rare as that would be for his family to deal with, he was so afraid of what could happen, he started to get emotional. Having kids is a way of fixing all of wrongs that did not have to be. It's a chance to live again, vicariously, through the improved world of the daughter and son. Creating the fantasy world is everyone's dream, I suppose. Of course my fantasy world is a little dirtier, but I think I can understand what family values are all about: protecting children from the evils of society and the natural world. That's why homeschooling and burying our heads in the sand is the confirmed sure-fire (or rapid-fire) way to protect our children from... um... themselves?
posted by Tim @ 12/03/2005 02:16:00 PM
3 Comments:
That MSNBC article just blew me away, it was **brilliant**, and you make so many great points about the topic of parents sheltering & spoiling their kids. These kids end up with a major entitlement-complex, they are like a volcano waiting to erupt and it doesn't take much to trigger the outbursts. I can't imagine anything worse than killing ones own parents, it is beyond baffling, but I guess teenagers don't understand that to commit a murder permanently alters the lives of every single person involved or affected. That boy's life is OVER, he will most likely spend all of his youth in prison, his life is over before it ever got started. I hope to be a parent one day too, but I absolutely will not build my life around my offspring, I feel that the duty of every parent to to groom a child and prepare it for adulthood, not to coddle and spoil the kid like a pet. That happens surprisingly too often.
Having raised one for the last 10 years, I defintely think the primary years should be sheltered.
but thats just me.
There's a difference between sheltering your children and allowing them to grow up learning no or very little limits.
As a parent who has five children, the youngest is now 11, most of the children who at her age have problems are those who are not well acquainted with the word "No". I protected my children from adult situations and when deaths happened within the family depending on their level of understanding/emotional level they attended funerals or hospital visits. When my father was very ill in hospice it was not a pleasant situation. However, I left it up to my kids as to if they wanted to say good bye to him in person or not. Two decided they wanted to, one was not sure, two did not want to see him like that since my father had always been such a strong person to them. My sister forced her daughter who is almost the same age as my third child. She berated me for not forcing all of mine, under different circumstances I would have told her to STFU...Her daughter was extremely upset, almost hysterical after seeing the condition my father was in. My sister had spent so much time focusing on forcing her rather than preparing her it was too much for her. I tried to forewarn all of mine so they could make the decision. I also made it clear to them that I thought he could hear them but he couldn't respond. Even my one that waffled as to if she wanted to see him or not ended up going in after her other two siblings did. Yes, mine were upset but it wasn't hysteria. Frankly seeing their cousin freak out was more upsetting to them.
Too many children have too much, this gives them a false sense of expectation that life will always be this way. I don't view that as sheltering, I view that as creating more difficulty for these children later in life when they discover not everything will be given to you. That you do have to earn it.
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